Dumb Criminals

[meimjustalawnmower]

You gotta admire the impertinence. Sauce bandits apparently still at large.

http://www.ajc.com/news/news/crime-law/2-men-arrested-for-stealing-chicken-wings-worth-60/nT74p/

[Baribrotzer]

Here's one that I've heard is true:


A robber set out to hold up a bank branch in NYC. Like most consumer businesses there, it was on the first floor of a large office building. He walked in, pushed past several dozen suits waiting in line, pulled his gun on the teller, said, "Gimme your money".....

....And there was this long, rattling CLICK-k-k-k echoing through the room.
"Turn. Around." said the teller, in a frozen voice, He turned around, and there were twenty guns pointed at him. As it turned out, he hadn't bothered to research the building and find out who the other tenants were, or even look at the directory. But if he had, he would have found that one of that bank's upstairs neighbors was the New York office of the FBI. And not only that, it was Friday afternoon, the agents had just gotten paid, and a sizable number of them had gone downstairs to the bank to deposit their paychecks.

And here's one that's a great story, but sounds an awful lot like an Urban Legend:


An Englishman of negligible mental capacity was visiting his local Tesco. He passed by the tank of live lobsters. Upon a sudden impulse, he shoplifted two of them. To hide them, he PUT THEM DOWN HIS PANTS. They didn't like it in there. So, they did something that one look at a lobster would tell you they are very good at. The first inkling the supermarket's security staff had of this was when he fell down screaming. And we may all rest assured that in the future, the collective IQ of the British nation will be ever-so-slightly higher.

[llanwydd]

And here's one that's a great story, but sounds an awful lot like an Urban Legend:


An Englishman of negligible mental capacity was visiting his local Tesco. He passed by the tank of live lobsters. Upon a sudden impulse, he shoplifted two of them. To hide them, he PUT THEM DOWN HIS PANTS. They didn't like it in there. So, they did something that one look at a lobster would tell you they are very good at. The first inkling the supermarket's security staff had of this was when he fell down screaming. And we may all rest assured that in the future, the collective IQ of the British nation will be ever-so-slightly higher.

Having been in the seafood business I can tell you that the second story isn't true. Live lobsters are always sold with rubber bands on the claws so that they won't eat each other. You see, lobsters are cannibals.

[zravkapt]

"When two masked men held up a pizzeria on Staten Island, they told the staff to hand over "the dough." The staff did as they were told. The men took off, not realizing that they had pizza dough..."

[Progmatic]

Having been in the seafood business I can tell you that the second story isn't true. Live lobsters are always sold with rubber bands on the claws so that they won't eat each other. You see, lobsters are cannibals.

If I would be lobster I would be cannibal as well...lobsters are delicious ;)

[GuitarGeek]

I don't know if it's still on, but there used to be a TV show called World's Dumbest Criminals. A few that stand out in my mind:

1. A drunk driver who tried to sneak past a cop car (parked outside a bar where the cop had stopped to investigate a commotion on the sidewalk or whatever). They actually showed the dash-cam footage, the guy was going along real slowly, but he blew his own cover when he crashed into the police car. Yeah, he hit a police car, going like 5 miles an hour.

2. A guy gets pulled over by a cop, for what reason I forget. Well, the cop notices the guy has a six pack sitting on the passenger seat of the car, which is illegal. So the cop says, "Look, I'm supposed to arrest you, but you don't appear to be drunk right now, so I'm going to let you off with a warning. BUT, I have confiscate that beer". The guy says, "Officer, I really need this beer! I've had a hard day at work". The cop literally gave the guy like three chances to surrender the alcohol, each time met with "I really need a drink". So the cop had to arrest him.

3. Another guy gets pulled over by a cop. While dealing with the guy, the cop gets a call about a commotion a couple streets over. Figuring he could go on foot, he turns to the guy he pulled over and says, "Now, don't go anywhere, I'll be back in about 10 minutes". So the guy goes deal with the problem, comes back like 10 minutes later, the guy he pulled over is gone. Now, the cop had the guy's driver's license, so he goes to the house. He knocks on the door, a lady comes to the door. When he asks if the man is there, the woman says "Yes, that's my husband, he showed up about 10 minutes ago and said if anyone comes to the door, I should tell them he's been sick in bed all day". So the cop asks where the car is, so the wife takes them to the garage, where they find the cop's cruiser, with the lights still going. Cop asks the wife, "Uhm, ma'am, to the best of your knowledge, does your husband usually drive a police cruiser?".

4. A guy gets pulled over by a cop for running a red light or whatever. Guy announces to the cop that he's a lawyer and will not put up with any harassment from law enforcement. He whips out his wallet to retrieve his business card, and a joint falls out. D'OH!

5. Two guys rob a store. They drag the safe out to the parking lot, before realizing that it won't fit in their car. So they decide they need to steal a pickup truck. So while they're off committing grand theft auto, the owner of the store shows up, sees the rear door broken into, the safe sitting on the tarmac, figures out what's going on, so he calls the cops. So when the two criminals return to resume their crime, they were met by a welcoming committee who took them into custody.

6. A bunch of idiots break into a Radio Shack, they totally trash the place and steal a bunch of stuff. Then one of them decides to walk into the place a couple days later. Fortunately, the store manager recognized the punk's face from the security camera footage.

7. An idiot steals a security camera from a bank, apparently completely unaware that the security footage isn't actually stored on the camera, but on a remote recording device.

8. A bunch of punks going on a mayhem spree in their neighborhood, smashing jack o'laterns and mailboxes, breaking into a house, playing catch with the cat, etc. The thing is, they videotaped the whole thing. And one of the kids left the VHS tape where his mother could find it. And oh you better believe she rolled over on him!

9. Any idiot who jumps out of his car, after leading the police on a 20 mile chase through multiple jurisdictions, and tries to flee on foot. You couldn't outrun the cops in a Chevy, what makes you think you're gonna outrun them on foot? Needless, they get tackled like a Cleveland Browns wide receiver inside of minutes.

[GuitarGeek]

Oh yeah, and I also heard a story once about a guy who tried to rob a store while wearing an Alfred E. Neuman mask. Apparently, the guy behind the counter refused to take Alf seriously, so the guy had to flee without any booty.